Chronicles of an Urban Cowboy

Where have I been for a few months. Well my attention has been side tracked, work has been keeping me busy and yes the economy. Yes, living in "The Valley of the Sun" has had its issues for the while. I have been keeping to myself more than usual. Hoping. Just hoping I can turn invisible and just disappear. My Irish temper has been more than tested at work and sometimes with family, I'll take off in my Jeep and drive. Drive till I don't know were. I've been to Flagstaff, Az and had a brew and burger and came home. Far south as Tucson, AZ for a burrito and ice tea and came home. There have been times when I wanted to call my former partner just to say hi, but can't see to dial his number.

Times I have felt lonely. I have friends, family, and coworkers who have given me and ear and a hug I still leave feeling unsatisfied and lost. I have not been to Washington state since August of last year when I brought my Jeep down. My last gift my mother gave to me before her passing. My mom. I have kept that very personal part of my heart to myself since she left. That void I've never healed as well as my older sister. Ruth-Marie and I shared a rough journey as kids. Though we had a privileged upbringing I'd give it away for some sanity when I was a child. Looking back I wanted to dissappear. I usually got lost in whatever I was reading were it be the The Three Investgators Series or The Hardy Boys. Journals I kept reveal what I went through. The yelling, drunkenness, verbally abusive father, and the separation of my parents. As more writing comes up. The more I'll have family ask about this and why I'm bringing it up. I told them not to read it. So I guess being gay does not count anymore.

This year has had many potholes. With the eledged recession that the government says we are not in. There are no homeowners losing thier houses. And there are no citizans going hungry. I wonder what they were smoking. Here in 'The Valley of the Sun' our housing market is a bust. First time people who used to donate to charites are now the ones seeking aid, and more names for holiday help.

Asked if I wanted to leave early this morning I thought,"sure why not." Now this employer relies on the the upcoming holiday season. Usually we have holiday help also, but not this year. The "Men in Brown" as we are called are suffering one of the worst holiday peak seasons ever. This is my 17th year and never have I seen it like this ever. Full time in house workers are being laid off if there job requires them to drive and hours are only being made up if one comes to work at midnight to load feeder trailers. I used to be heckled for staying part-time all these years and is saddens me to watch my fellow coworkers struggle to get hours they once had when overtime was plentiful

To one and all. wishing everyone a safe and festive Thanksgiving...

As American citizens were are prepared to vote for a new president. A new Commander of Chief. When casting your vote, vote who will earn his job as the President of the United States.

Enough said...............

Just taking a brief moment from the Cardinals and Cowboys game I laughed to myself when overtime resulted. My cousin and his grandson who rode back to Arizona with me talked and talked about Phoenix getting cremed by Dallas. Well I ate my words when a field goal happened. Fudge.

I enjoy my friendships I've made since I was in kindergarten to university to present. My circle extends to both straight and gay, but an honest friendship I relish than being stabbed in the back by a few who I am no longer on speaking terms with.

Today I was treated to a surprise from the mailman. Not just my monthly insurance payment, but a boxful of Canadian goodies. A gentleman who asked that I not divulged his name, but though-ly enjoy talking too sent me his friendship on his sleeve and hardy, "how do you do." in care package. "Mr X." an OTR truck driver and I usually enjoy talking about his travels on the road and where life takes him. A superman.

Getting into my Jeep to head to work this afternoon and channel surfing, but who should come on the radio.

"He's A Rebel" recorded by Darlene Love and released under the name, The Crystals. I've written an essay or two with the mention of that particular song. My mom whose love for all kinds of music would bop to this number when I was a child. I thought as I was older it was a song befitting my dad since he could test the patience of a saint. Besides Miss Love's booming voice, the love of a young girl for her rebel boyfriend is the love hate relationship of my parents. True love is truly bonded.

These changes and hard times are difficult for me to suppress. Though its been said that we are not in a recession, it sure appears we are. The rising cost of fuel, food, as well the housing crises makes it even harder what day by day brings to people.

My supervisor for the airport who is not broke, but caught in the housing stink told me that he's thinking about walking away from his home. A house he and his wife purchased for the giant sum of $300,000 in 2006 is now only worth 165,000. It could be about 10 years before it might appreciate to the sum it was purchased for. His next door neighbor who is out of work. A wife who is a homemaker is on the verge of foreclosure. Since he can't make car payments much less his mortgage. With his family to feed what his options.

I hate the thought about living "high on the hog," but truly thankful for a roof over my head and food in my gut. Some parents will not eat just so their children can. This is America?

Just reading an online newspaper that we have less than 2 months to decide for a new leader of our country. Politics has always bored me to tears, but this election with Republican John McCain and Democrat Barack Obama makes it neck to neck race.

I have never really taken my right to vote seriously. Both of my parents of minority race always voted and always voiced your need to vote. Irish folk in the 1800's what right did they have. Native Americans. No reply. Mexicans. Nada. All of my cultures have come to this. their grandson who is lazy with his vote. My family would roll in their graves if their grandson casts another vote for "Daffy Duck." If I divulged my party now would I win. I don't know.

As another year passes rememberance of 9/11, take a moment to remember where you were and take to heart a brief moment of those who suffered on that horrible morning in New York City and those left behind...

Though I should say, 'Welcome Back, and just were the hell you have been', should be in order. Well many thoughts have come to mind and sometimes think the world is moving too fast and I want to get off.

I have been visiting my second home of Washington state and do feel at home there. However home is were you make it and not were you take your boots off for the night. Still I ponder of what to make of myself. A mature gentleman almost 30 and-a-half. Right.

Living lost or living single I learned to deal with. A road trip from Washington back to Arizona gave me more than enough thinking time. During that trip, me and my trusty I-pod were singing along to the many songs I downloaded. In the back of my mind I thought of the passing of a special friend. Though its been told that I'm not gay enough since I had a girlfriend in high school, I pity the man whose "former friends" talk about him behind his back and his so called wholesome values. I wrote him off a few years back. No explanation. Just wrote him off. No regrets. Looking at a dated 80's video melted my heart of my one time female love and the many weekend nights we'd go dancing. Eyes tearing up I smiled and thought how I matured. It has taken a few years, but God almighty I've done it.

Wow things have been moving so fast that I can't seem to keep up. Many events have taken place since my last essay. With our Super Bowl that the valley hosted. the many classic auto sale that came, the TPE golf event. Work has been none stop, but still taking a few Washington weekends to myself.

Well after what appeared to be a long holiday season I'm truly thankful that 2007 is over. With combined job endeavors and my attention that left me confused, I'm glad I've picked up my bootstraps and moved on. Not really in the mood to boogie on New Year's eve my friends Chuck and his Life Partner Steve B. came into town for a good time. Along came Steve's bud, Steve I. from Easton WA.

Well with other things on my mind and my head turning into a swirling vortex just wanted to think of others and many more to wish them all a Happy and Safe Thanksgiving...

The past week and a half has really dragged out on my part. With my attention slacking off and my mind who knows were, my faith has once more been tested again and I wonder how much grief I can take.

For other reasons I have not been to Washington lately. Guess thinking about mom and here 2nd anniversary which I told myself I would not think about. All Souls Day was coming up so I would have thought about her and dad. A late night call last week, I thought what kind of emergency had happen. My buddy Allen from UPS called to say our good friend Ed had lost his life in a package car crash with and an alleged drunk driver. Stunned I've been in a cosmic haze since then. Pushing myself out of the clouds and promising myself not to cry anymore Ed's funeral was yesterday. Since Ed had many friends and his widow who was still in shock, Ed's brother asked me if I would be a pallbearer for him. Tearing up again I accepted the honor. The night before a group of us attended the rosary and met more of his family. I glanced at his wife and his former wife and paid my respects again. They both cried and hugged me tight.

Leaving the parrish my head was beginning to throb again. I was giving myself a headache. Going on-line late that night I bumped into a chat bud named Double D. A smart gentleman whom I enjoy conversing with, I shared a brief moment with him and how I was feeling. Next to my buddy Mikey he had me think of many thoughts currant and past of what Ed, Allen, and myself did. After I signed off, I looked at some pictures of us from the many get togethers he shared with us and his non-English speaking family. It worked. Ed's funeral was at 9 am and the home was crowded. Many suits from UPS were there as well as past coworkers too. A bit annoyed that some wore their "Browns" there. I know for a fact that our employer was only a job and not a career when Ed voiced his opinion to me. The service was quite lovely and eulogy was very touching and very much Ed. When the service was closing we went forward and slowing proceeded to take Ed home. Thinking only a few hours back as tears were rolling down my face I'll miss you Ed. Thx D.D. for your words...

I often wonder why my faith is being tested the way it has been. Among other things I lost a good friend that I feel was robbed from me. I feel he should not have been taken away. I feel so much hurt and anger I'm spinning in a vortex.

Mi amigo Euardo/Ed was taken from his wife, his four daughters, and family and friends. An aleged drunk driver with his headlights off T-boned him on the side of his delivery truck and burst into flames. I hoped and prayed that he was deceased and that he felt no pain.