Chronicles of an Urban Cowboy

Lost, Gone. Dissolve....

2009-04-18T22:03:25Z

Where have I been for a few months. Well my attention has been side tracked, work has been keeping me busy and yes the economy. Yes, living in "The Valley of the Sun" has had its issues for the while. I have been keeping to myself more than usual. Hoping. Just hoping I can turn invisible and just disappear. My Irish temper has been more than tested at work and sometimes with family, I'll take off in my Jeep and drive. Drive till I don't know were. I've been to Flagstaff, Az and had a brew and burger and came home. Far south as Tucson, AZ for a burrito and ice tea and came home. There have been times when I wanted to call my former partner just to say hi, but can't see to dial his number.

Times I have felt lonely. I have friends, family, and coworkers who have given me and ear and a hug I still leave feeling unsatisfied and lost. I have not been to Washington state since August of last year when I brought my Jeep down. My last gift my mother gave to me before her passing. My mom. I have kept that very personal part of my heart to myself since she left. That void I've never healed as well as my older sister. Ruth-Marie and I shared a rough journey as kids. Though we had a privileged upbringing I'd give it away for some sanity when I was a child. Looking back I wanted to dissappear. I usually got lost in whatever I was reading were it be the The Three Investgators Series or The Hardy Boys. Journals I kept reveal what I went through. The yelling, drunkenness, verbally abusive father, and the separation of my parents. As more writing comes up. The more I'll have family ask about this and why I'm bringing it up. I told them not to read it. So I guess being gay does not count anymore.

Countdown to 2009

2008-12-28T21:25:33Z

This year has had many potholes. With the eledged recession that the government says we are not in. There are no homeowners losing thier houses. And there are no citizans going hungry. I wonder what they were smoking. Here in 'The Valley of the Sun' our housing market is a bust. First time people who used to donate to charites are now the ones seeking aid, and more names for holiday help.

Recession Bound...

2008-12-02T12:59:47Z

Asked if I wanted to leave early this morning I thought,"sure why not." Now this employer relies on the the upcoming holiday season. Usually we have holiday help also, but not this year. The "Men in Brown" as we are called are suffering one of the worst holiday peak seasons ever. This is my 17th year and never have I seen it like this ever. Full time in house workers are being laid off if there job requires them to drive and hours are only being made up if one comes to work at midnight to load feeder trailers. I used to be heckled for staying part-time all these years and is saddens me to watch my fellow coworkers struggle to get hours they once had when overtime was plentiful

Thanksgiving 2008...

2008-11-26T17:26:03Z

To one and all. wishing everyone a safe and festive Thanksgiving...

Election Day

2008-11-04T19:26:46Z

As American citizens were are prepared to vote for a new president. A new Commander of Chief. When casting your vote, vote who will earn his job as the President of the United States.

We Won....

2008-10-12T23:54:09Z

Enough said...............

Birds vs Cowboys...

2008-10-12T23:51:42Z

Just taking a brief moment from the Cardinals and Cowboys game I laughed to myself when overtime resulted. My cousin and his grandson who rode back to Arizona with me talked and talked about Phoenix getting cremed by Dallas. Well I ate my words when a field goal happened. Fudge.

Friendships from the Border...

2008-10-08T02:20:25Z

I enjoy my friendships I've made since I was in kindergarten to university to present. My circle extends to both straight and gay, but an honest friendship I relish than being stabbed in the back by a few who I am no longer on speaking terms with.

Today I was treated to a surprise from the mailman. Not just my monthly insurance payment, but a boxful of Canadian goodies. A gentleman who asked that I not divulged his name, but though-ly enjoy talking too sent me his friendship on his sleeve and hardy, "how do you do." in care package. "Mr X." an OTR truck driver and I usually enjoy talking about his travels on the road and where life takes him. A superman.

I'm a Rebal and I'll Never Be Any Good...

2008-10-01T03:49:20Z

Getting into my Jeep to head to work this afternoon and channel surfing, but who should come on the radio.

"He's A Rebel" recorded by Darlene Love and released under the name, The Crystals. I've written an essay or two with the mention of that particular song. My mom whose love for all kinds of music would bop to this number when I was a child. I thought as I was older it was a song befitting my dad since he could test the patience of a saint. Besides Miss Love's booming voice, the love of a young girl for her rebel boyfriend is the love hate relationship of my parents. True love is truly bonded.

Brother Can You Spare a Buck or Two.......

2008-09-27T03:09:51Z

These changes and hard times are difficult for me to suppress. Though its been said that we are not in a recession, it sure appears we are. The rising cost of fuel, food, as well the housing crises makes it even harder what day by day brings to people.

My supervisor for the airport who is not broke, but caught in the housing stink told me that he's thinking about walking away from his home. A house he and his wife purchased for the giant sum of $300,000 in 2006 is now only worth 165,000. It could be about 10 years before it might appreciate to the sum it was purchased for. His next door neighbor who is out of work. A wife who is a homemaker is on the verge of foreclosure. Since he can't make car payments much less his mortgage. With his family to feed what his options.

I hate the thought about living "high on the hog," but truly thankful for a roof over my head and food in my gut. Some parents will not eat just so their children can. This is America?

How Many Days to Go....

2008-09-21T03:26:46Z

Just reading an online newspaper that we have less than 2 months to decide for a new leader of our country. Politics has always bored me to tears, but this election with Republican John McCain and Democrat Barack Obama makes it neck to neck race.

I have never really taken my right to vote seriously. Both of my parents of minority race always voted and always voiced your need to vote. Irish folk in the 1800's what right did they have. Native Americans. No reply. Mexicans. Nada. All of my cultures have come to this. their grandson who is lazy with his vote. My family would roll in their graves if their grandson casts another vote for "Daffy Duck." If I divulged my party now would I win. I don't know.

9/11 2008

2008-09-12T02:58:39Z

As another year passes rememberance of 9/11, take a moment to remember where you were and take to heart a brief moment of those who suffered on that horrible morning in New York City and those left behind...

Belinda Carlisle- Leave A Light On

2008-09-07T04:49:06Z

Just Me.....

2008-09-07T04:45:48Z

Though I should say, 'Welcome Back, and just were the hell you have been', should be in order. Well many thoughts have come to mind and sometimes think the world is moving too fast and I want to get off.

I have been visiting my second home of Washington state and do feel at home there. However home is were you make it and not were you take your boots off for the night. Still I ponder of what to make of myself. A mature gentleman almost 30 and-a-half. Right.

Living lost or living single I learned to deal with. A road trip from Washington back to Arizona gave me more than enough thinking time. During that trip, me and my trusty I-pod were singing along to the many songs I downloaded. In the back of my mind I thought of the passing of a special friend. Though its been told that I'm not gay enough since I had a girlfriend in high school, I pity the man whose "former friends" talk about him behind his back and his so called wholesome values. I wrote him off a few years back. No explanation. Just wrote him off. No regrets. Looking at a dated 80's video melted my heart of my one time female love and the many weekend nights we'd go dancing. Eyes tearing up I smiled and thought how I matured. It has taken a few years, but God almighty I've done it.

Back in the Saddle - Matraca Berg

2008-05-19T19:07:25Z

Rising to the Heavens...Falling Back to Earth..

2008-02-21T11:06:58Z

Wow things have been moving so fast that I can't seem to keep up. Many events have taken place since my last essay. With our Super Bowl that the valley hosted. the many classic auto sale that came, the TPE golf event. Work has been none stop, but still taking a few Washington weekends to myself.

Welcome Back....

2008-01-09T22:08:38Z

Well after what appeared to be a long holiday season I'm truly thankful that 2007 is over. With combined job endeavors and my attention that left me confused, I'm glad I've picked up my bootstraps and moved on. Not really in the mood to boogie on New Year's eve my friends Chuck and his Life Partner Steve B. came into town for a good time. Along came Steve's bud, Steve I. from Easton WA.

The Before, Before Thanksgiving...

2007-11-20T22:41:01Z

Well with other things on my mind and my head turning into a swirling vortex just wanted to think of others and many more to wish them all a Happy and Safe Thanksgiving...

The Long Weekend...

2007-11-04T20:28:53Z

The past week and a half has really dragged out on my part. With my attention slacking off and my mind who knows were, my faith has once more been tested again and I wonder how much grief I can take.

For other reasons I have not been to Washington lately. Guess thinking about mom and here 2nd anniversary which I told myself I would not think about. All Souls Day was coming up so I would have thought about her and dad. A late night call last week, I thought what kind of emergency had happen. My buddy Allen from UPS called to say our good friend Ed had lost his life in a package car crash with and an alleged drunk driver. Stunned I've been in a cosmic haze since then. Pushing myself out of the clouds and promising myself not to cry anymore Ed's funeral was yesterday. Since Ed had many friends and his widow who was still in shock, Ed's brother asked me if I would be a pallbearer for him. Tearing up again I accepted the honor. The night before a group of us attended the rosary and met more of his family. I glanced at his wife and his former wife and paid my respects again. They both cried and hugged me tight.

Leaving the parrish my head was beginning to throb again. I was giving myself a headache. Going on-line late that night I bumped into a chat bud named Double D. A smart gentleman whom I enjoy conversing with, I shared a brief moment with him and how I was feeling. Next to my buddy Mikey he had me think of many thoughts currant and past of what Ed, Allen, and myself did. After I signed off, I looked at some pictures of us from the many get togethers he shared with us and his non-English speaking family. It worked. Ed's funeral was at 9 am and the home was crowded. Many suits from UPS were there as well as past coworkers too. A bit annoyed that some wore their "Browns" there. I know for a fact that our employer was only a job and not a career when Ed voiced his opinion to me. The service was quite lovely and eulogy was very touching and very much Ed. When the service was closing we went forward and slowing proceeded to take Ed home. Thinking only a few hours back as tears were rolling down my face I'll miss you Ed. Thx D.D. for your words...

Buenos Nochas mi Amigo...

2007-10-27T07:40:00Z

I often wonder why my faith is being tested the way it has been. Among other things I lost a good friend that I feel was robbed from me. I feel he should not have been taken away. I feel so much hurt and anger I'm spinning in a vortex.

Mi amigo Euardo/Ed was taken from his wife, his four daughters, and family and friends. An aleged drunk driver with his headlights off T-boned him on the side of his delivery truck and burst into flames. I hoped and prayed that he was deceased and that he felt no pain.

TV Car Clips of 70's Colony Park Wagon

2007-10-04T19:07:27Z

Had to laugh at these old clips...

Last of the Luxery Liners...

2007-10-04T17:55:01Z

Going to breakfast with my sisters' this morning we took my mother's old 1993 station wagon. Finally a passenger I opt to sit in the back seat. Ruth-Marie had to think back to our childhood when the few station wagons my parent's owned were over priced vehicles. The Chevrolet Suburban in 1980 was a briefly owned since it was way too big for my mom to drive. She quickly went back to her 1977 Cadillac Seville. The one tank that stays in my mind was her Mercury Colony Park station wagon.

I wish pictures were taken during this period, but the 1973 Mercury like the one pictured above is somewhat like mom's. I did have fun playing with the vacuum headlights since we could not play with the windows since electric windows are almost standard on any car or truck

Clensing Thoughts...

2007-09-30T17:18:57Z

Another trip back to Washington State this weekend and I really feel more alive then any other trip I've made these past years. Latin week was happening and I made some connections and some possible job prospects there.

Leaving from Phoenix on Thursday night a young cowboy gave me a nod as did I. His brother or friend that was with him asked what I do. Since I had my ratty Wranglers on and Black Stetson and my cherished one and only buckle award I told him I'm a retired bull and bronc rider. All recreation. His name was Todd and cousin Mark were flying back to Spokane with a long drive to Moses Lake. I asked if there were any riding arenas that he was aware of. While he was jotting down a few areas as well as his email and phone number we talked about rodeo and riding. Though I'm not what your called very experienced or well seasoned, but still enjoyed the riding I did with my dad when I was in high school and with my former partner, I told him that I left if for the young people. He told me about the Pacific Northwest Rodeo Ass and I should become involved if I do relocate to Washington. That compliment made my evening.

Waking up to a crisp, cool morning at the lovely Motel 6 near the Spokane airport I looked out my window just to take in the grand awaking morning I was about to receive. Keeping my appointment I had came up for, I took a drive east towards the Idaho state line. On my last visit I finally learned how to put that blessed rag-top down on my Jeep and drove with the top down with a cold breeze nipping at me as I drive 75 going East on I-90.

I had a thought for the longest time since my mom bought my Jeep for me. Gonzaga University in central Spokane is the Catholic school, I've walked through time and time. Driving onto the grounds I felt that my Jeep should be blessed since so many things have happened in my life. Some good and some bad.
Walking towards the parish office I asked the receptionist if there was a priest who could bless my truck. 5 minutes before Father was to hold noon mass. He came out of his office and asked what could he do for me. Getting weak in the knees I told him I've been a guest to Washington for 2 years and in my life I don't know if this will be home for me. I asked if he could provide a blessing for my Jeep and myself. As we walked towards my truck I felt like the 8-year-old child again. As he took his Bible out and vial of holy water we crossed ourselves as he began his blessing. He began by lightly tossing holy water on my Jeep and bless those who come into contact with me, and to safely guide myself and the many passengers it might carry. As he gave me a personal blessing I felt like tearing up. I'm one of those kind who attend Mass during Easter and Christmas. Even though some people I know who have their issues with the Catholic church I still have my devout love for it. Driving away I felt more of a high than any aircraft has taken me. I can't help but think of Father Fritz and the wonderful moment he took for me to make me feel whole.

Another Repeat....

2007-09-18T02:34:31Z

Since I injured myself a year ago bronc riding and being the hard headed ass I am my knee has really been acting up lately. I put on straight face,(ha) and walk along as well as my giddy-up will let me. I think back to the long, hard, hot brace I had to endure. The same brace the I was not supposed to drive a clutch with, but I did. The same crutches that are in my closet I might have to get out again if the pain becomes too much. the smaller brace I was prescribed that won't even work any more.

I have never thought about being a cripple. A temporary handicap I was. Still standing for long periods of time and the much walking I do I wonder what will happen to me.

Me on my car a few weeks after the accident

The Talented Jane Wyman...

2007-09-11T03:16:34Z

At this writing it saddens to hear about the passing of Jane Wyman. Not because she was once married to Ronald Reagan or that she had two talented children of Maureen Reagan and son Michael, but she was an eloquent woman in her craft of movies, television, and theater. She was once quoted as "One take Wyman" since she could read a scene in one take. That quote was from her son's book 'On the Outside Looking in' by Michael Reagan. I ponder that Michael is alone now. His father passed away some years back right around the same time as Maureen. I'll think about his whole family and his wonderfully talented mother....

Nancy Reagan and Jane Wyman at the services of daughter Maureen